Saturday, November 28, 2009

Wade Boggs's Guide To Premier Fan Fiction

so you want to write fan fiction. and who can blame you? surely you're a fan of something, and maybe the something is fiction. i don't know. maybe that something is baseball!

the first step to writing fan fiction is to have a stupid idea. this idea will involve sex. maybe you want to make Mary Poppins give the ol' "spoonful of sugar" to a rhinoceros. a rhinoceros! chim chiminey chim chim cheroo!

now that you have your idea, it is time to execute! this pretty much involves taking the sex, which you proposed in the above hypotenuse, and making it happen. no, not really! with words! on the Internet? yes!

that's really all there is to it. SO next time you want to see Hank Hill blushing at the sight of Madame Bovary's ovaries (or see Don Mattingly tongue-wrestling with Tommy Lasorda for the hand of Judy Blume), just know that you're only an Internet away!

this post was proudly brought to you by Werewolves Which Love Women Who Love Vampires, the number one movie in America and the world's most popular fan fiction.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Boggsed down

it's me wade boggs. i have created this entry because i thought of a really keen pun using my name, and it just had to be a title. so here i am, BOGGSED down. get it?

so i guess i owe you all a bit of an exclamation. i've been inconspiculously absent for the last year and also the half of a year before that. i wish i could say something exciting happened. like maybe i woke up one morning in a cube, which later became A HYPERCUBE, WHICH LATER BECAME A CUBE ZERO. this is not the case.

instead, i just couldn't afford the internet.

but i'm back now, and enjoy it while it lasts because i am like dust in the wind. i am like a really, truly terrible song.

i have some things to say about our politic, and in particulary our current and former president george washington bush, jr. he was sure mumbly, but he made some good points in relation to the ongoing problems in quebec and afghanigan. i think that he will go down in history books as a president. and really, isn't that all a gent can ask for?

forthcoming is our current and futurely former president, brock obama. he is one half of our first black president, and he is one half of our 44th white president. this will make any future numerical assesment of the presidency difficult and awkward. "congraduations to our 44 1/2 white president, senator sarah palin and tall." lol just kidding.

and what happens when we receive our first transgendered president? will it be our 1/2th female president? what if michael jordan becomes president? he will be our 1.5th black president, our second actor president, our 1/2th basketball president, and our 1/2th baseball president. these issues need to be dissected in a laboratory, preferably with a forceps.

i leave you all with one thought.

Friday, June 15, 2007

siskel and wadeboggs

i've been avoiding the internet for the last eight months, mostly because i forgot that this web page exists. hello. i am wade boggs of baseball fame.

i came onto the internet tonight to register my distaste at modern cinema. i've been seeing a lot of cine during these dogg days of summer, and i have been left with a bitter taste in my mouth from all the dark chocolate i've been eating. also, the movies are not very good.

list of complaints number one: the pirates of the caribbean at world's end
  1. the pirates of the caribbean were only at world's end for ten minutes maximum. talk about your false advertising. a more fitting title would have been "the pirates of the caribbean at a giant pirate castle full of pirates," or mayhaps "the pirates of the caribbean fighting an enormous woman in a whirlpool."
  2. not a single pirate in this movie had an eye patch, leading me to believe that these are not truly pirates at all. perhaps they are just bugaboos (citation needed).
  3. did walter disney just forget about the pirate ghosts from episode i? where is the continuity?
  4. not a very satisfying film experience overall.
list of complaints number two: shreck the third
  1. i did not like this movie very much. to my recollection, there were maybe only two fart jokes, and I would like to see more jokes about farts. do you remember the first shreck? there were metric tons of fart jokes. if you did not like one fart joke, you did not have to worry because there would be another one coming right up on a steaming hot platter. also, the plot is becoming convoluted. where did this cat come from? i do not remember him from the first shreck. it's like they decided, okay, this movie works so we should replace pilocchio the dog with a stupid swordfighting cat. was pilocchio the dog in the first shreck movie? i can't remember. that might have just been a dream i had. anyway, i didn't see shreck the second so i couldn't follow this one.
list of complaints number 3: spiderman 3
  1. i can't complain about this movie.
  2. director sam raimi tackles the difficult racial issues plaguing society today.
  3. as we are in a time of great prosperity (see also: spiderman is popular with the ladies and the gents), black culture takes over and we're left with a smoking mess.
  4. there is a funny scene involving a tap dancing man.
  5. spiderman needs to overcome the black influence on him, so he reconciles with a lot of his white friends (see also: kristen dunst and james dean) and they team together to snuff out that menace.
  6. did you know kirby puckett stole my four year streak as batting champion? it's the truth. leads you to wonder, what else did he steal?
  7. i'm not racist, but am i right you guys?
anyway, those are the movies. if i were a fat guy and a skinny guy, i would say two thumbs down. i am looking forward to oceans 11 3, the bourned identity 3, and rush hour 3. hopefully they will set this summer in the right direction.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

things just got a whole lot more spookier

i'm barbara walters. and i'm hugh downs. and this is 20/20.

lol just kidding. it's me, wade boggs! hello again and welcome to my first special holiday post!

a lot of people have been wondering what i've been up to since i retired from major league baseball in 1999. the jew-run media knows all about my current occupation as high school baseball manager, but there's a deep and dark secret lying deep within the bowels of the earth just waiting to come to the surface via earthquake or land-dolphin.

for the last seven years i have been perfecting the script to my first horror movie! set on the diamond at fenway park, the movie is called "hit by pitch," and it is from the master of suspense that brought you "the record for most consecutive 200-hit seasons" and "two golden glove awards." here is the plot in the shell of a nut.

professional major league baseball player blade woggs is the talk of the town. men want to be him and ladies want to be on top of him. but one day he notices a strange, coarse fur sprouting on his body, not unreminiscent of a werewolf's fur. he goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him that it is natural--that as a man ages, he tends to get hairier in places he was not all too hairy before. however, the physical examination turned up an unexpected and frightening result! blade woggs is turning into a frankenstein's monster! as he slowly transforms, his teammates begin to disappear. it is up to pitcher crodger lemons--who also happens to be a monster hunter--to save the team, revert blade woggs to his normal self, and win the american league pennant!

i am in talks with dimension films to create and distribute my masterpiece, but they have a few suggestions. they want me to change the title to "the strike" and they want me to base it on some japanese movie. also they want it to be about a spooky house instead of baseball. and so begins the second draft of my horror movie script.

i hope you and yours have a happy halloween, and maybe carve a boggs-o-lantern if you (and yours) find the time.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

the unbearable lightness of peeing

i am sort of a wild stallion. wandering from town to town; untameable; an outlaw with a heart of gold; the rogue space pirate that will invariably save the day despite the fact that he could just take his wookiee and his reward money and travel back to his home planet of corellia. i'm bad to the bone. insatiable in my pure and utter freedom. i mix my metaphors and ain't no one can stop me.

many rumors have popped up about me in my brief time on this planet. if you read my wikipedia entry or the Boston Globe, you'll see see many of these rumors. did my wife really run over my arm with her automobile? certainly. do i really have the power of invisibility? all signs point to yes.

one of these rumors i haven't explored on wade bloggs! is that i drank 64 beers on one airplane trip.


i actually ended up drinking 67 beers and a bottle of peach schnapps. the reason everyone says "64" is because that lightweight don mattingly--who was doing all of my counting and other thinkin'-work that day--passed out after his third wine cooler.

the year was 1994. the place was america. i had just joined the new york yankees and we were having a bit of a celebration. danny tartabull told me that a man would drink himself to death after a certain number of beers and i set out to prove him wrong. i was successful, but boy did i have to use the mens' room later that day.

another myth successfully busted.

this post is dedicated to the memory of my teammate and friend corey lidle.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

a new post

hey clue crew. it is i, wade boggs, with a very special moment to share.

as a high school baseball coach, i am currently privy to all of the latest fads and todos. every day i am befuddled by a new hairstyle that catches my eye or a new catchphrase that catches my ear. hopefully somebody will enlighten me to the appeal.

  1. "bringing sexy back." i am not going to profess my knowledge towards what bringing sexy back entails, but am fairly certain that you are not qualified to do it.

  2. what is with all of the spiky-type hair and the wild colors? when i was a boy we crazied it up by shifting our neckties so that they were slightly askew. hair-do? more like a hair-do-not! AM I RIGHT, INTERNET FRIENDS?

  3. kirby puckett. everywhere i go i hear "kirby puckett" this and "kirby puckett" that. the kids just love him. and why shouldn't they? he was only the man to break my very own four-year streak as american league batting champion. but look at him now--oh wait, you can't because he's dead.

  4. why are we all cutting carbohydrates out of our lives? as a professional baseball player, i can tell you that carbohydrates are an essential part of a balanced diet. in fact, i attribute all of my success to eating three cups of dry cornmeal before every away game. it's the boost you need to get you through that lacksidaisical sixth inning.

  5. jews for jesus. i can not say that i understand this.
i hope everything is going well for the readers. please root for my alma mater, the new york yankees, as they enter this very stressful playoffs season. they always seem to get the short end of the stick this time of year.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

guess who?

it's me, wade boggs, blogging on the old blogbox. i want to apologize again for my uncomfortable use of the capitalizations lock in my previous post. i have not used a computer since my days at hillsborough community college, and back then i had to use a complicated system of levers, pulleys, and punch-cards. it will take a bit of time to get used to these boards of keys.

the first time i turned invisible, i was twelve years old.

it was my second year in the fifth grade on account of the teacher enjoying the pleasure of my company. unfortunately i could not reap the obvious benefits of such an arrangement, as i was born the runt of the litter. marcus and jamie--my twin brothers (more like twin bothers, lol)--were strapping and fit. the first picked for the football team. meanwhile i was small and husky. as such, i was picked on by my inferiors in the fifth-grade class.

one day, out on the playground, baxter coleridge took a break from his intramural tackle football tourney to visit the game of jacks currently being played by myself and my compatriots, kyle lazwinsky and jan torkleton. next thing i know, jan has a faceful of dirt and kyle has an assful of his own underoos. i was in for some equally dreadful treatment, and my only hope was that i could become invisible.

i closed my eyes and i wished and i wished and i wished as hard as i knew how. the next thing you know, baby jesus came down and lo he said: "thou art a special child, wade boggs. in the future you will inspire millions of children and become a major league hall of famer. with the power vested in me, i hereby grant you the superpower of invisibility and all of the perks that go with it."

well i did indeed turn invisible, and i booted my left cleat so far up baxter coleridge's tuckus that he had sod coming out of his mouth hole. ever since that recess i've been sure to say my prayers and brush my teeth every evening.