things just got a whole lot more spookier

i'm barbara walters. and i'm hugh downs. and this is 20/20.

lol just kidding. it's me, wade boggs! hello again and welcome to my first special holiday post!

a lot of people have been wondering what i've been up to since i retired from major league baseball in 1999. the jew-run media knows all about my current occupation as high school baseball manager, but there's a deep and dark secret lying deep within the bowels of the earth just waiting to come to the surface via earthquake or land-dolphin.

for the last seven years i have been perfecting the script to my first horror movie! set on the diamond at fenway park, the movie is called "hit by pitch," and it is from the master of suspense that brought you "the record for most consecutive 200-hit seasons" and "two golden glove awards." here is the plot in the shell of a nut.

professional major league baseball player blade woggs is the talk of the town. men want to be him and ladies want to be on top of him. but one day he notices a strange, coarse fur sprouting on his body, not unreminiscent of a werewolf's fur. he goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him that it is natural--that as a man ages, he tends to get hairier in places he was not all too hairy before. however, the physical examination turned up an unexpected and frightening result! blade woggs is turning into a frankenstein's monster! as he slowly transforms, his teammates begin to disappear. it is up to pitcher crodger lemons--who also happens to be a monster hunter--to save the team, revert blade woggs to his normal self, and win the american league pennant!

i am in talks with dimension films to create and distribute my masterpiece, but they have a few suggestions. they want me to change the title to "the strike" and they want me to base it on some japanese movie. also they want it to be about a spooky house instead of baseball. and so begins the second draft of my horror movie script.

i hope you and yours have a happy halloween, and maybe carve a boggs-o-lantern if you (and yours) find the time.

the unbearable lightness of peeing

i am sort of a wild stallion. wandering from town to town; untameable; an outlaw with a heart of gold; the rogue space pirate that will invariably save the day despite the fact that he could just take his wookiee and his reward money and travel back to his home planet of corellia. i'm bad to the bone. insatiable in my pure and utter freedom. i mix my metaphors and ain't no one can stop me.

many rumors have popped up about me in my brief time on this planet. if you read my wikipedia entry or the Boston Globe, you'll see see many of these rumors. did my wife really run over my arm with her automobile? certainly. do i really have the power of invisibility? all signs point to yes.

one of these rumors i haven't explored on wade bloggs! is that i drank 64 beers on one airplane trip.

FALSE.

i actually ended up drinking 67 beers and a bottle of peach schnapps. the reason everyone says "64" is because that lightweight don mattingly--who was doing all of my counting and other thinkin'-work that day--passed out after his third wine cooler.

the year was 1994. the place was america. i had just joined the new york yankees and we were having a bit of a celebration. danny tartabull told me that a man would drink himself to death after a certain number of beers and i set out to prove him wrong. i was successful, but boy did i have to use the mens' room later that day.

another myth successfully busted.

this post is dedicated to the memory of my teammate and friend corey lidle.

a new post

hey clue crew. it is i, wade boggs, with a very special moment to share.

as a high school baseball coach, i am currently privy to all of the latest fads and todos. every day i am befuddled by a new hairstyle that catches my eye or a new catchphrase that catches my ear. hopefully somebody will enlighten me to the appeal.

1. "bringing sexy back." i am not going to profess my knowledge towards what bringing sexy back entails, but am fairly certain that you are not qualified to do it.
   
   
2. what is with all of the spiky-type hair and the wild colors? when i was a boy we crazied it up by shifting our neckties so that they were slightly askew. hair-do? more like a hair-do-not! AM I RIGHT, INTERNET FRIENDS?
   
   
3. kirby puckett. everywhere i go i hear "kirby puckett" this and "kirby puckett" that. the kids just love him. and why shouldn't they? he was only the man to break my very own four-year streak as american league batting champion. but look at him now--oh wait, you can't because he's dead.
   
   
4. why are we all cutting carbohydrates out of our lives? as a professional baseball player, i can tell you that carbohydrates are an essential part of a balanced diet. in fact, i attribute all of my success to eating three cups of dry cornmeal before every away game. it's the boost you need to get you through that lacksidaisical sixth inning.
   
   
5. jews for jesus. i can not say that i understand this.

i hope everything is going well for the readers. please root for my alma mater, the new york yankees, as they enter this very stressful playoffs season. they always seem to get the short end of the stick this time of year.

guess who?

it's me, wade boggs, blogging on the old blogbox. i want to apologize again for my uncomfortable use of the capitalizations lock in my previous post. i have not used a computer since my days at hillsborough community college, and back then i had to use a complicated system of levers, pulleys, and punch-cards. it will take a bit of time to get used to these boards of keys.

the first time i turned invisible, i was twelve years old.

it was my second year in the fifth grade on account of the teacher enjoying the pleasure of my company. unfortunately i could not reap the obvious benefits of such an arrangement, as i was born the runt of the litter. marcus and jamie--my twin brothers (more like twin bothers, lol)--were strapping and fit. the first picked for the football team. meanwhile i was small and husky. as such, i was picked on by my inferiors in the fifth-grade class.

one day, out on the playground, baxter coleridge took a break from his intramural tackle football tourney to visit the game of jacks currently being played by myself and my compatriots, kyle lazwinsky and jan torkleton. next thing i know, jan has a faceful of dirt and kyle has an assful of his own underoos. i was in for some equally dreadful treatment, and my only hope was that i could become invisible.

i closed my eyes and i wished and i wished and i wished as hard as i knew how. the next thing you know, baby jesus came down and lo he said: "thou art a special child, wade boggs. in the future you will inspire millions of children and become a major league hall of famer. with the power vested in me, i hereby grant you the superpower of invisibility and all of the perks that go with it."

well i did indeed turn invisible, and i booted my left cleat so far up baxter coleridge's tuckus that he had sod coming out of his mouth hole. ever since that recess i've been sure to say my prayers and brush my teeth every evening.

sorry

sorry for the caps lock

HAY GUYS

HAY GUYS!

IT'S ME, BASEBALL HALL OF FAMER WADE BOGGS, WELCOMING YOU TO WADE BLOGGS. THIS IS WHERE I WILL REGALE YOU WITH MY INTIMATE FEELINGS AND ALSO SOME TALES FROM MY DAYS AS BASEBALL'S SEXIEST LEFT-HANDED BATTER.

HERE IS A PICTURE OF ME AT THE PLATE LOOKING DOWNRIGHT DAPPER IN MY FAVORITE PAIR OF SPECTACLES. INTERESTING THING ABOUT MY SPECTACLES: THE DAY THAT I FIRST GOT THESE SMOOTH FRAMES, I WAS STRUTTING MY STUFF ROUNDABOUTS THE BOSTON HARBOR, REMEMBERING WITH FONDNESS THE FAMED TEAPARTY THAT TOOK PLACE IN THAT VERY BODY OF WATER, WHEN A WOMAN APPROACHED ME AND COMPLIMENTED ME ON MY SPECS. I THANKED HER AND DOFFED MY CAP, WALKING AWAY WITH A SPRING IN MY STEP. THREE YEARS LATER, I WAS MARRIED TO THAT VERY SAME WOMAN. THE VERY SAME WOMAN THAT WOULD EVENTUALLY RUN ME OVER WITH HER JEEP. THE VERY SAME WOMAN NAMED DEBORAH.

DEBORAH DIDN'T SPLATTER ME ON PURPOSE THOUGH. IT WAS ENTIRELY AN ACCIDENT CAUSED BY HER PUSHING ME UNDER THE TIRE ACCIDENTALLY. WE HAD JUST EATEN A FINE STEAK-AND-POTATOES DINNER AT HOSS'S STEAK & SEAHOUSE AND I WAS FEELING A TOUCH OF THE ESCHERICHIA COLI, SO I GAVE DEBBIE THE KEYS. THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL WITH A SKID MARK ON MY ARM AND MORE THAN A SKID MARK IN MY BRIEFS. I DECIDED THEN AND THERE THAT I WOULD NEVER EAT AT HOSS'S STEAK & SEAHOUSE AGAIN. HOSSPITALITY MY ASS!

STAY TUNED FOR FUTURE POSTS WHERE I WILL ELABORATE ON THE GREAT FOLK MYTHS OF OUR TIME. DID I REALLY DRINK SIXTY-FOUR BEERS ON A PLANE? HOW DID I ESCAPE FROM THE DREADED PIRATE GHOSTS AT SKULL ISLAND? WHAT WAS IT LIKE BEING A GUEST STAR ON THE SIMPSONS WHEN IT STILL MEANT SOMETHING?